A real stoater

By Colin Rae

I’m about to set off for Scotland with my wife and our two sons to attend my sister’s wedding. I’m really excited to catch up with lots of relatives and friends, some of whom I haven’t seen in years. And it’ll be a chance for the boys to hear nothing but English for a few days. But now that I think about it, they won’t hear very much “standard” English.

The wedding will be held in the west of Scotland, where people have a much broader accent than my own lowland lilt. The groom hails from Wolverhampton down near Birmingham, England. Coincidentally, his brother also has a German wife and two boys, but they have been living in Colorado for years. I have a cousin flying in from New Zealand, and since my sister has herself lived in France, Italy and Japan, there are bound to be even more linguistic surprises.

I’ll report on the international highlights when I get back, but for now, I’d like to share some of the very Scottish things we may get to hear:

Since my kids have had the good fortune of inheriting my wife’s healthy complexion and not my pasty one, someone might say to them “at least you’re no’ peely-wally like fayther”.

Scottish weddings are rarely sober affairs, but I hope nobody gets too “steamin’” (steaming = very drunk). Indeed, someone behaving badly may be called a “bampot” (crazy person), be told to “haud yer wheesht” (shut up) or even receive a “skelp roon’ the lug” (a clip round the ear).

During the ceremony, my mother will be so happy that she will be “greetin’” (crying) and at the end of the day, she is bound to be heard saying “Och, Ah’m fair wabbit and ma dogs are barkin’!” (I’m rather tired and my feet hurt.)

At any rate, I’m sure the wedding will be a stoater (fantastic affair).