Nice talking to you!

By Kristin Fehlauer

I’m a bit of an overthinker. This is probably a professional hazard—it comes from considering every sentence you read or write from all possible angles and asking yourself if an alternative might not be better. And just as I think a lot about everything I write, I also think a lot about what I say. And about what other people say. And what we say to each other! In short, conversation.

I’m by no means an expert conversationalist, nor am I always willing to dive into some chitchat (ask my coworkers how chatty I am pre-morning coffee). Still, sometimes it’s unavoidable, so I might as well be prepared to make the best of it. What makes a good conversation? What I can do to make it better, what are some things to avoid? Here are some of my favorite guidelines and suggestions.

The cardinal rule of good conversation is simple: be more interested in your speaking partner than in yourself. The first couple gambits might be slow going, but if you can find something about their responses to be interested in, things should start flowing more easily. The truly tricky thing is to balance your friendly questions with enough declarative comments that it doesn’t turn into an interrogation! Try asking a question, then expanding on or clarifying their answer. That should be enough to get the ball rolling.

Having trouble getting interested? I’m often reminded of a quote from a book by one of my favorite authors, Lilian Jackson Braun: “There are no dull subjects…only dull reporters who ask dull questions.” She was talking about journalism, but the principle still applies. Anything and everything can be interesting provided you have the right mindset. If the topic itself doesn’t thrill you, what about the person’s relationship to it? Do they like it? What first got them hooked?

Don’t be afraid to change it up. Instead of the cliché “What do you do (for a living)?”, ask “What do you like to do when you’re not working?” or even “Do you like your job?” It might take a second for your conversation partner to respond to unexpected questions, but more likely than not they will find it refreshing and you’ll have a better chance of their enjoying talking with you.

For the most grievous conversational sin, it’s a toss-up between looking obviously bored and interrupting. However, both boil down to the same thing: you’re not interested in what your partner is saying. Either you’re not paying attention at all, or you’re so wrapped up in your own train of thought that you interject without noticing if the other person is still going. In a dynamic back-and-forth, some overlap is likely to occur, but try to pause and ask yourself: Has my counterpart completed their thought? Do they tend to speak at a slower pace? If you do break into their sentence, simply apologize and give them a chance to continue. They’ll appreciate it!

One final crazy idea that helps me: if you’re feeling shy or ill at ease, pretend to be a spy or a thief doing reconnaissance! Do you think James Bond cares if he doesn’t know anyone at the party? Having a superordinate goal, even an imaginary one, can help take some of the pressure off, and if you’re relaxed, you’re much more likely to enjoy yourself—and thus to make a good impression.

Conversation is a skill, and like any skill, it requires practice. Try these techniques out and let me know what you think! I hope they help you have more enjoyable conversations that are more memorable—for all the right reasons 😉